Friday, February 04, 2005
Conversation with Jack
Subject: More from Jack
Hi, my friend,
I can't tell you how much I enjoy these candid conversations with you.
>>Mom has cancer and I am very torned between wanting to
>>be a good son and being myself. The 2 don't seem to be complementary.
I'm sorry to hear that your mother has cancer.
I understand the conflict you're experiencing. My mother also had cancer,
but she remarried a few years after my father died, and my stepfather took
good care of her in her final years. Although my sisters and I never warmed
up to the man, his efforts relieved the rest of us from the day-to-day
burden of caring for her. For that, we'll always be grateful to him.
Last night, I took my dear friend Bonni to dinner. After I drove her back
to her condo, she asked me to come up because she wanted to talk to me.
What she told me is that she has developed a rare form of skin cancer (in
years of practice, her ontologist has seen only one other case), and she
has just a few months to live.
I was stunned. Bonni is the woman I almost married way back in ancient
times. I've known her for almost 40 years. She's become quirky as hell in
her old age, but I'm immensely fond of her.
When I got home, I poured myself a big glass of whiskey (I rarely drink).
Still, I had a tough time sleeping. And all day today, I haven't been able
to get Bonni out of my mind.
>>I can't imagine I would be bored.
No, I think your interests are too varied for that to happen.
>>On the other hand, I see a lot of old people, lonely, sitting there in
>>the void deck. I kind of scared. Somehow I know that the instant I retire,
>>my friends would be gone.
Do you really think so? Is it because most of your friends are associated
with your workplace?
It's not losing friends that scares me -- that hasn't happened -- it's the
mental deterioration that comes with old age. I hear about old people
losing their life savings to some ridiculous scam and wonder if the day
will come when I'll be unable to detect that sort of obvious thievery.
I think too many people reach a certain age, decide their lives are over,
and act accordingly. I refuse to do that. I intend to be as full a
participant as I can be until I take my last breath. That includes my sex
life.
>>Well, I'd still like to have a permanent relationship. I cherish the idea
>>of waking up in the morning and finding someone sleeping by my side. I
>>miss that experience greatly.
>>Me too. But I no longer have the confidence that I will see it in this
>>life time.
I still cling to hope. It's probably just a delusion, but it keeps me going.
